aoi kaze

WOWWWW


[12:06am] i'm actually updating this. its been so long. out of all my blogs...this is my favourite. it's because...it's so pretty...i get to design it however the hell i want to. its because...i know no one would read this...and i can write whatever i want without the pressure to have good grammar. and LASTLY...this is where i can write the truth...i'm not a deep person...i don't like thinking. i have watched....FOUR movies since march. i watched norbit, the number 23, 300, and finally...DEAD SILENCE. i actually liked norbit...despite all the bad reviews...even though i feel bad for laughing at such lame jokes. dead silence was really good as well..although it didn't get good reviews either. my brother kept talking about how the saw puppet appears on the screen for like a second but i never saw it because i was zoning out. i also finished watching hana yori dango 2. that is like...history right there. the BEST show ever...beats all the other jdoramas i ever watched. also...a while ago, i watched highteen boogie. that is like...one of my life achievements. first of all...because it is the most difficult movie to find since it came out in like 1982 or so...and second of all...because it's not that great of a movie. it was alot more serious than i thought it would be. with a name like "highteen boogie" its not supposed to be a serious movie. i really really miss working...seriously. i miss the gang...i miss all the coffee...i miss...uh...the smoking breaks...psh yeah right. i miss them all so much...it was like my (third) home. i ain't a workaholic anymore...i'm just lazy. but it was a place where i could get away from it all. i never say this...but one of the reasons why it was so easy for me to just stop going online was because i became a workaholic. it was far enough that i was sure i'd never see anyone that would disappoint me. thats why i miss that place so much. it was like...a step into adulthood. the fact that i was respected by these people who were alot older than me...how we got along and talked even despite our huge age differences. and...having to dress 'business casual'. what else...well i was just thinking about some things. my life is fine. but everytime i go near the computer, i'm tempted to do all these stupid things...which usually i don't do. this world is cruel...and it's not something that just happens naturally. no matter how sad i am about you...you won't care. i know it's a mistake to be sad about someone like you because not only do you not care...it somehow makes you happy to see me in pain...to know that you can always hurt me more. your life may suck...but you have no right to destroy mine. how do you sleep at night...knowing that someone out there really likes you...and also knowing that you're doing everything you could to destroy them. don't you feel any guilt? or are you as heartless as i think you are? pathetic.

i hate life


[12:19am] unlike my deadjournal, this is something that i'm not afraid to write the truth on. i'm so tired it's not even funny. life is so...ugh...in short, i hate it. i can't ever be a nice person. i think i've actually grown up. no one is really "nice". especially in a society of 'survival of the fittest', righteous people don't exist. why would i trust them? its like, sure it would make me feel better, but at the same time, by doing that, it would be something they could use against me. not that i think they're necessarily bad people. it's just like, whether they say something out of concern or out of spite, it's still the same result in the end. i'm not in a place of authority...i'm much too young for that...but it's just the feeling that they respect me but at the same time, it feels like they'd bring me down if they had the chance.

im stupid


[11:18pm] today i watched [marebito] with my brother and summer. only in the middle of the movie did i realie that marebito meant "creature". so anyways that movie was so confusing...way too artsy for my tastes. not like i dont like artsy movies...but in my opinion there was nothing special about it. anyways today was grad bbq. so.....weird. it seems theres alot more grads this year than the previous years. its weird...i didnt find it all that fun. i remember sitting in the balcony last year during comm tech with people and i remember we were looking through the textbook. i remember looking down at those grads and seeing how happy they were...that their high school life was almost over and finally they got a chance to relax. it looked as if people were going to break into tears. has that much time passed since then? are we really the same as those people we saw a mere year ago? i dont know...i didnt find it all that special. it was too crowded...the show didnt even start until very late...and it was more like a regurgitation of last year rather than a completely new show. but these grads wouldnt know...not all of them saw the previous grad bbq's but for the past two years i've seen it. but it was definitely fun, no doubt about that. sometimes i wish we had more time...i almost wish high school was only with these people...that there were no such thing as younger grades. what i mean is...its harsh that we're all getting split up. it sucks that we may not even see most of these people for the rest of our lives. i think i'll definitely cry on the last day of school.


i think i honestly wasted the the time i had in high school. all that time i was depressed...and what was it for? i remember wishing for a better tomorrow and thats why i never let go. but then in the end i realized that it wasnt worth it in the end. people will never care even if you spent the rest of your life being sad about them. people wont care how much pain you were in when they left your life...and they will never care. people wont be touched even if they know that you never moved on or you never let go...cuz they have already done so themselves. and that was the biggest mistake of high school. but now that i look back, i cant even justify what i did...like what can be so special that it nearly made me crazy when i lost it? i'll never know. but i do regret it. cuz now, the school year is almost ending and there are alot of things i still want to do.

im stupid


[11:58pm] ive thought about it...many times before...but i hesitated...why...because im afraid of what will happen...even though i have many questions, i dont think ill be able to handle the answer so i dont even want to ask. its hard for me to pretend i dont care...its hard for me to act OK...not to mention trying to act happy...all of these things are not part of who i am...but i guess they have to be. i guess i hv to undergo some drastic change even tho its going to be against my will. i have to be someone im not...live a life im not even familiar with...*sigh*...what did i do to deserve all of this. my goodness...what have i become...seriously. i've never felt so jealous before...especially about something im not even sure of...my gosh. i was so distracted i couldnt even do anything...until i found out that it couldnt be true...then i felt a little bit better


i realized something today. the people that really care the most about you are the people you will never notice. anyways, today after school i went to watch da vinci code. it was alright...except we were sitting rite in the front...well kind of...its BIGGER...but then i had a headache after. it was really really good...but it wasnt GREAT...its not gonna do that well i dun think. then after, went home and worked on IBP and thats it.

*sigh*...


[7:13pm] i think i have to face the facts...that were never going to talk again...and that one day...no matter how long it takes me, ill be fine. i hate school...i hate school so much...i dont even want to go to school anymore...its like some horrible curse.


its like...when you assume the worst, you dont usually expect the worst to happen but when it really does...youre still somehow surprised. i tried so hard...and yet even after all that, i get hated so much. it sucks cuz i dun think ive changed at all since...i dun think ive been any bit happier at all. i dun think ill ever be...but im trying my best to act. i think back at all the times i was sad in the past...i think back on how sad i was back then...and its like nothing can ever compare to this...its like i never felt real depression until now. its like...its like my worst fears had came true and theyre in plain sight whereever i go...its like...every shred of hope is destroyed by how harsh reality is. in the past, i really gave up all hope that we would ever talk again...and yet we did...and i was surprised. when i was so convinced that you didnt care...you actually did. but is this the same situation...will i ever live to that day when we talk again....i dont think so. sure, i want to...but what can it do....im just gonna be hurt even more...im just going to be pushed deeper down the hole in which i dug myself. i dont think i need any more proof that you hate my guts...and frankly, im not prepared for that. i think....the more someone wants to make it obvious that theyve moved on and that theyre happy...the more you should just give up any hope of things being better again. cuz lik...theyre fine rite...theyre not sad, they wouldnt understand how you feel...all they would ever do is step all over your feelings and your worst fears would be confirmed. so whats the point. nothing could ever prepare for me for this time period in my life...i never saw this coming...and i could honestly say that i never felt this much pain in my life.


no matter how cliche it sounds...i really wish i could die. death cant be much worse than this.


there are some things that have happened..and...sure...i should be happy...i really should be...but whats the point. the only reason i wanted it was for memories...but what memories are there ever going to be...none. if anything, it brings back those memories more than anything. you wouldnt give a shit even if you knew...it wouldnt make any difference.

-____-


[6:56pm] i think today is a really bad today -____-...first of all it was raining all day...pathetic fallacy, and mostly, stupid rogers sent the wrong phone =____=...well its the right phone but its the wrong color...black instead of white....black looks way too ordinary. i wanted that phone because it was white...because its not common to see someone with a white phone. im gonna hv to use it for 2 years so its alrite if i hv to wait a few more days. i friggin waited a week for this phone.


anywayss...ughhh....things were going well...or were starting to go well....i dunno about now. yesterday, i got jellyfish pooh =). my brother, summer, and i ordered a hell of alot of pizza...2 medium + wings + garlic bread...for only the three of us lol.


i wonder how this month will end up...

-____-


[11:08pm] im so happy that my mousetrap won third =)...because first of all, i didnt vote for myself...and the group that won voted three times for themselves which means at least 6 more votes...but im glad i got third in an HONEST way. cuz i didnt think that people liked my mousetrap but they really didd. im surprised that people can be moved from a demonstration of it even tho they werent even here to see my presentation yesterday. i guess i just wanted to prove that i could do well by myself and that i didnt need to be in a group to do well. im even MORE surprised that people actually voted for me...cuz im only beginning to know everyone in the class. i guess even in a competitive environment like that, you can still make friends.


today after school, i was playing games on my brothers cell phone...its so cool...especially that gauntlet game and that snowboarding game...that worm game i have no idea how to play. sure beats the hell out of pacman. so then after school, i went home and i was online for a while and then i went with my brother and summer to the mall to get KFC. my brother and i ate at tim hortons...i got a wrap combo and my brother got a chili combo and summer got kfc. it was so awkward...i think she was mad at my brother for some reason i dunno. but then after that, we went home and i fell asleep. its weird...these days when i sleep...i wake up with this huge headache. im not sure if caffeine is supposed to do that to you...but ive proved the fact that all caffeine does is make me fall asleep and wake up with a headache.

cruel, cruel fate


[11:16pm] yesterday in the morning i woke up and ate leftover pizza and bagel bites and then i woke my brother up. so he and i went to go to money mart first cuz he had to deposit a cheque and then we went to pick up summer. we went to the plaza near no frills and ate there. we ate in a food court...and its weird cuz this food court wasnt in a mall or anything...it was just a food court by itself. so my brother had PORK BONE SOUP and surprisingly he really likes it. summer got me uhh....wel...i dunno whats called in english but oh well. but then she had to go eat with her dad, which is some weird coincidence that they are in the same place at the same time. so then eating those things was really hard cuz liquid kept falling out and we had to eat with our hands. the washroom is funny tho...the most unsanitary thing i've ever seen -___-...as well it was the first time i saw a phone number scrawled on a bathroom stall. anyways, so then we went to no frills to get ice cream and syrup and then we went home. we were watching the show kind of but summer and i were trying to finish the lego. it was pretty fun =) we finished the car and the house...the roof looked REALLY nice. so then after that we were playing with it -____-...we took the chain off of the fence and stuck it on a skeleton and then hung him to a tree. then we started to build the gundam. it took me a long time to find the tools and then we started to make it...oh my GOD it was so hard. those little pieces and that INSTRUCTION MANUAL...my eyes >___<. but after 3 hours, we finished....its BEAUTIFUL...when i get my phone im going to take a picture of it. then after that my brother woke up again and so we ate pizza. i had like 4 pieces =____=...cuz by that time, i had a major headache from all that concentration. we watched simpsons, family guy x 2, and american dad. we also made milkshakes...so good =)...but so very fattening...i SAW how much ice cream went into that one cup...my goodness. so then after that i had to work on my calc journal and summer also went home.


today, my brother got his cell phone...its SO nice oh my GOODNESS. i want to trade with him once i get my cell phone...i dun think my cell phone will be even CLOSE to how cool that thing is.


today, i talked about things and i realized how reckless i was being. its like...im acting so much that i cant even distinguish between who i really am and the person i led others to believe. i dont know who i am anymore...seriously. everything that ever defined who i was is gone...and im forced to be this new person. a new beginning...leaving the past behind me and moving on...is what i am supposed to do. its not dwelling in the past and thinking that things are gonna get better...cuz no matter how depressed you are, and no matter how much you think that the other person will care, the truth is that they dun give a shit about it and neither do they know what you're going through. so is it really worthy to be sad about someone who will never realize how you feel about them? i'd rather let our happy memories wither and fade rather than cave in and settle for a future that is much less than that. i admit that i am weak, but the last thing i'll do is cave in...not for reasons of ego or anything like that...its that no matter how sad i am...no matter how painful these days are going to be...i know that one day, no matter how long i wait, one day im going to wake up and ill be ok.


im curious to see who the next person is...the next person im going to be this sad over...we'll start out just normal friends...i wont think much of it at all....but soon it will become an everyday thing, and then we start telling each other problems and confiding in each other...and one day whatever we were sad about will be gone and we'll be grateful that we have each other...and then we'll realize how important to each others' lives we have become...and we'll be even more grateful that we have each other...and then suddenly, without warning the person that we'll eventually lose is the same exact person we used to complain to about who we used to be sad about. but thats life. so i want to know...who is it going to be next...whose going to be the one that takes my pain away in exchange for hurting me later on?

i never noticed...


[12:53am] today at school -___- umm...it was an alright day. i realized something though. i may be wrong about this though. i remember hwo someone was saying how every end means a new beginning...well i think i have an idea of what it is...it may not be true though. but like...today i saw someone...and although i never really noticed before...they are really nice to me. insisting to get a chair for me...talking to me in the beginning of class until the person who really sits beside me tells them to go back to their seat...all really nice things...at least in my perspective. no matter how hopeless life is sometimes, theres always someone that can brighten your day. maybe there really is hope...that something will happen that will make this all better again...maybe...guess i have to wait and see.


after school, my brother, my mom, and i went the mall. we walked around looking at cell phones...and i realized soething. its like those parents...they start out really poor and perhaps even lose a child as a result of not being able to have enough money to buy medicine or healthy food for them...and later on in life, they have more kids and they live a really comfortable...and even though things are alright they always regret that they didnt give that one child the opportunity they gave the others. a week or so left =DDDDDD. anyways, i got a chili cheese burrito combo...my GOSH i only finished ONE burrito...holy shit its fattening. so then we went to walk around after...athletes world had that huge sale. summer's bday is coming up...i dunno what to get her...-_____- i'll think about it. also mothers day is coming up. so then after that i went home and i was watching TV for a while. then m brother, summer, and i watched this chinese movie. seriously...we were in such a big rush to finish it that i never even got a chance to look at what the movie title is so i have no idea what its called...but its pretty good. its a really sweet movie >___<. anyways later, summer took me to the library to get business magazines and then we went to play badminton. it was pretty fun, better than last week, but then my brother dislocated his arm for a moment and he was sore so we went home early. so sad >___<. after that we went to burger king and i was so happy that king deals still existed. i really wonder sometimes why mcD's was more popular than bk...cuz bk never has any people there but i think their food is better.

new beginning


[11:15pm] today the teacher was being an ass...i was just talking to someone and he tells me to speak english...the hell -____-. at first i thought he was talking to someone else but i dun think anyone else was talking...my goodness. i know very well its english class and unless im crazy, i wouldnt say something i dun remember.


what else about today...hmm....i have to do my essay soon. today we did a presentation in IB -___-...the teacher gave us 30 minutes to prepare. it was pretty hard...because with 3 people in the group. its very hard to get your ideas across. anyways, in law, we watched [shawshank redemption] and its a pretty good movie...looks boring at first but then it gets better later on. after school i was watching tv...its so boring -___-. simpsons at 3:30, and then the same episode at 4, and the same episode at 5. no maury anymore...and surprisingly, i actually watched a bit of oprah, and it had this woman come on the show who was set on fire before. its crazy...especially how its caught on the security camera, how her bf just came in and dumped gasoline on her and then set her on fire. its crazy...i think he should be convicted of more than attempted murder...cuz for some people, being burned like that is worse than death.


anyways later my brother woke me up and asked me to come watch that movie with him and summer. but he had to call rogers and stuff first...and then summer and i were watching the mcdull movie on his computer while we were waiting. its such an adorable movie. then we watched half of the thief movie, summer had to go home and so i went to take a shower and then me and my brother watched the second half...but not before we went to mcD's and got sundaes -____-...


perhaps maybe there really is a brighter future. when i was in class today, i was thinking about some things. there was a time when i thought that i would be sad forever and i never gave up...i was always waiting for that day to come, that day when things went back to the way they were supposed to be. i always tried to deceive myself by saying that i was over it and i already moved on...but in truth, i still cared deep down inside but then one day, or even gradually, i began to forget and without even knowing, i stopped caring. i cant even remember what was it that made me so sad before...and especially i cant remember why it was so special to me. to sit beside someone you used to care about alot...keeping in mind all that stuff you went through with them before...all those useless fights and those years spent apart...you can still sit beside them, knowing that this is what you wanted for so long, but its no longer something you want anymore. although i was sad for a long time...and for a long time i thought the only thing that would make me happy again is for things to be normal again, when it actually happened, i realized its not something that i wanted anymore. it never occurred to me all this time that i already achieved alot of the things i sought to do in the past...but still i feel like something is missing. whatever it was that was so special before, whatever it was that made me hold on for so long, i dont think that exists anymore...and no matter how much i tried to remember what that something was, i dun think i feel the same way anymore. about the present circumstances, maybe there really is a brighter tomorrow...maybe one day i'll wake up and my mind wont be plagued with regret...just maybe.

i finished!


[10:27pm] when i walked down the hall and saw you, that look in your eyes, that look of pure hate, you act like you dont know me at all...but have you truly forgotten? do you want things to stay the way they are now? if you were really ok with everything, you'd at least have the confidence to talk to me...or even look at me..but you dont. i seriously dun think were ever going to talk again...if you seriously expect me to be friends with you...i wont do that. if you seriously expect me to talk to you eventually, i wont...because if you wont even do that...then i wouldnt want to bother you.


yesterday after school i was eating and then my brother and summer came home and took me to markville mall to get supplies for the mouse trap. my brother wanted to get popsicle sticks lol -____-. we went to wal-mart to get some wire and some fishing line...and then went to this craft store, which SURPRISINGLY had a closing sale that day so everything was seriously cheap...i mean thirty cents for paint...you cant find that anywhere. but it seems that everywhere i go, there is some painful memory attached to it...i shouldnt go that often anymore. anyways, we bought some stuff, and summer bought water -____- and then we went home and started to build it. it was seriously hard, it took us so many hours just to figure out something that worked, and then my other brother suddenly called and ased me to go play tennis with him. so then we went to a place near my public school...which i didnt even know about until today, and we played tennis. i havent played since...-____- since i was like 8 and even then i played with a friggin wall...so it was hard. it was fun though...but so very very tiring. so then i went home, ate, and studied, well sort of. when my brother came home, we watched tv and then he kept telling me to watch this kung fu show. it was funny cuz after he beat the two guys, they do this closeup of him and hes giving a look to the bad guy and the bad guy gets a closeup too but hes like 30 ft away. it was hilarious. then i watched some of passion of the christ, and my brother told me it was gruesome but i didnt think so...-____-;;. then i couldnt study anymore and went to sleep


i learned today that although the world is a corrupted place, when you're on the right side of that corruption it aint that bad. so anyways, i went to school today and...well it was just like any ordinary day. funny, i never considered any day just an ordinary day before...there was always something special that happened...something that always made it my day. i feel like those people that will never feel complete, no matter how happy the rest of their life is, even if they have everything else they ever wanted, they are missing one thing, the mot important thing, and thats what leads them to destruction. this is not as simple as heartbreak...no it isnt...i feel like a part of me is missing. im those kind of people that lack ambition and dont really look forward to the future...my biggest wish was to take what we had...that happiness, and make it happen everyday. if it was up to me, everyday would be the same...nothing would ever change...although that may seem boring to some, it is what i consider a perfect life.


anyways, after school, even before i finished eating, i had to work on my project, and thats what we did until like....6:30...then we had to go play tennis again but then this time my bro and his gf came along. it was fun...but im sore >___<. i realized something...summer is really good at building things...i could never hold a hammer with such confidence...my goodness >___<. so then we watched "my kung fu sweetheart" while we were eating. it was pretty good...i still think i've been watching too many movies though. sad though..i dun have satellite anymore...no more muchmoremusic...no more maury...no more scream channel....shit. everything is changing isnt it.


i know you know im depressed, but what you dont know is that i've never really been depressed before. now that i think about it...two years ago, i could hardly call that depression. sure, i wrote about it everyday in my blog, i would always reminisce, but i didnt have much to reminisce about...it was only a few months of memories. but us...we had 2 years...about 1.5 of those years we talked everyday...its not a simple addiction here...you were more than just a part of my life...you seriously made me have a purpose in life. back then, it never hurt the way it does now. i could at least pretend i was happy...i could at least talk to other people...i at least kept my sanity...and i knew that there was a brighter tomorrow...but now, i've seriously lost all hope...having so many things change in such a short period of time...not just you....but everything around me that could ever remind me of you...theyre all disappearing. i at least felt a little bit better knowing i had you even though i lost my cell phone and all my pictures, but now that you're gone, i dont know what i have left. i dont think there is a brighter tomorrow, i dont think i'll ever be happy again. if it truly makes you happy to ruin my life like that...then i doubt you ever cared about me.

i finished!


[8:55pm] today i finished folding all the cranes that i have. eighty-something cranes...thats pretty much what i did all weekend -___-. i still dont know what im going to do with all of them. does it really serve as a reminder of how shitty this month has been...or is it going to be something that makes the next month a little bit better than this one? im going crazy...seriously.


i honestly dont think that youre ever going to talk to me again...i dun think that you even notice that we havent talked for such a long time...i dun think this affects your life in any way whatsoever. but i care...whenever im online i want to message you...but i figure...u dun even want to talk to me anyways so i leave you alone. although i am assuming...i dun think theres any other way to explain it. to be honest, i do want to give you those cranes...because why else would i fold it...but at the same time, i dun think youre ever going to realize how much i care. nothings ever going to change...and i just have to face that fact. if cranes are meant to meant to make people feel better then i think that maybe i fold enough, itll fix what has happened to us.

*sigh*


[11:26pm] sometimes the world seems really plastic to me...all these things happen and all i can do is sit back and watch. i dont feel like the same person anymore. i lack the optimism i had in the past...i lack that sense of security as well. i dont know...maybe you dont care...maybe the last thing you'll do is think about me...but i seriously do love you...and i don't think that will ever change.


today in class i actually liked the presentation that was going on. even though the whole class and possibly even the teacher doesnt have faith in those two, i definitely do. i see their potential...i see how hardworking they are...and thats a good thing because lately, i've felt like i've been surrounded by incompetent people. i saw, that they truly worked hard in their presentation...to the point of writing cue cards, to the point of finding nice videos and actually planning out their presentation. i don't think that a person's mark should determine how smart they really are...and im not even referring to those people who dont work and expect themselves to do well. i mean those people that have shown significant improvements...they are the ones who deserve the marks. i can say for sure that i think that just by listening to them, i can tell that they are more intelligent than the people who get a near perfect average in the course. i really liked their presentation tho...they had egg tarts and their class activity was to play poker. also...hahahah portuguese. that was funny.


sometimes i fail to understand the path i've chosen in my life...by avoiding things such as drugs, violence, and deliquency in general, what did i ever hope to achieve? i'm not smart...but whenever i make a mistake it seems to make someone else happy. whenever i get high marks...people get jealous...but the problem is, i really tried. people who do a course and expect themselves to beat everyone else overestimate their abilities...because if they lack the dedication and the determination, they will not succeed. the world is really fake...with all these people struggling to compete against each other for the ultimate goal...but what is that ultimate goal? i dont even know myself. life is about survival of the fittest...the weak get left behind...but is there any part of life where you know that you can just be safe...be yourself...would we ever, in our lives, truly love someone for who they are? would we ever love someone, regardless of what other people think about them...would we ever love someone...not for personal gain, but because we truly feel complete with them? sadly, i don't think that there is such thing in this world as purity.

im exhausted


well its been a few days since i updated. i dont know what to do these days. i dont think we've talked at all for a little over a week...i dont know how long this is going to last. maybe it'll be this way forever, i dont know. april has been hell for me...to be honest. i dont think that ive ever had to deal with so many things at once before...i dont think i've ever been that depressed before. there are things i'll never be able to let go of. yesterday, i was thinking, and i realized that no matter how much time passes by, i'll always wear the ring. i think in this situation, its hard for me to tell if you've completely forgotten about me already or do you actually feel sad deep down inside...i dont think you do though, at least you dont act like it. i know that things dont have to be this way...i know that things can change...at least they can STILL change. but you dont seem to want it to. i thought about talking to you, i talked about messaging you online to see how you were, but i realized that theres no point in doing that. if you dont even want to talk to me, there's no point in trying to talk to you and getting hurt even more. to be honest, i think you're being quite childish...since you're doing to me exactly what you didnt want me to do to you. everyday i go online and sometimes i'm really tempted to message you...but then i consider the fact that you're probably busy with other people and that you dont have time for me anyways so i don't. to be honest, i don't know how long this is going to last...i really don't. maybe this is how things are going to be forever.

i'll never stop loving you


[12:46pm] i was thinking today...about whether or not i was that serious...and im not sure. like i thought about what it wouldve been like if we had gotten married...if we spent the rest of our lives together...and i could really imagine that happening. its hard to find someone in your life you truly love...and its not cuz of superficial reasons such as like money, status, or looks. i think ill end up being like those people who get married to someone who they dont necessarily like and spend the rest of their life missing their first love. i think what would hurt me the most is to see you with someone else, and i cant ever imagine you falling in love with someone else. it would destroy me...


i think that quote made sense tho...how the more someone wants you to suffer, the more you should be happy. the more i think about it, the more i realize i cant take the ring off. i cant just put it away and forget about it, i cant leave the past behind me...nor can i give up. regardless of what happens in the future, i think ill wear this ring for the rest of my life. seeing you online...youre always online...i dont know why. even though ive known you for this long, ive never seen you online that often before...i dont know why it bothers me this much...maybe its cuz it makes me sad as hell to stay online.


i cant talk about these depressing things all the time...i dun think i can keep my sanity if i do. on friday, i was trying so hard to get a note back from someone...and then this guy walked by and he thought he was trying to hurt me and he was like telling him not to treat girls like that and he started beating him up. the strange thing is that he looked like...someone i used to know. thursday night i watched [futago] which is this chinese horror movie that strangely has a japanese girl in the lead with a dubbed voice -______-. i watched that movie until 3am...i think im going mad. but that movie was pretty good though, at first i didnt think it was going to be good but then the sound effects are REALLY good and you know how they say that sounds are the scariest part of a horror movie...well its true...i was genuinely scared and no horror movie has scared me like that in a long time. but i dont understand the ending at all...they arent FUTAGO at all...the girl was an only child -____-...i probably need to watch that again. as well, thusrday i also went to badminton...that was fun...its weird how i dun get sore anymore...and its weird how my brother says im actually getting better at badminton. we ate mcdonalds after and it was at the one at milliken...for once. today, i woke up...and it was hard for me to get out of bed...i was just...procrastinating. i watched part of spice world...and the summer came over and we watched that last movie before we had to return it. leon was in it...he was retarded...but hes still hot even though hes over 40. i remember my mom said a couple of days ago that when i was little i always sang along to his songs lol. anyways, the movie was funny...but i missed the ending -____-;;...cuz my mom called me upstairs. then we went to PT to return the movie and get a new one...summers car is so cute...but u literally FEEL every speed bump tho...its worse than a bicycle lol. but its cute. we rented three more movies....none of which i think are going to be good...but it doesnt matter...i would do anything to take my mind off of this.


today i downloaded 109109 concert...niceeee...i only had the kimi dake ni performance before but then now i have the whole concert...never in my life did i ever think of finding the whole concert...im so happy :). somewhere in the second half of the concert is a performance of donna ii koto, which happens to be my favorite song...SMAP song at least. the other performance i have of it is old and is bad quality but the one from the concert was nice :P.


...i actually have more bad news...three of my fishies died...the ones that were in the tank downstairs...i never had a chance to say goodbye *Sigh*. my mom said there mustve been something wrong with the water...and yet it makes me happy that i left mr pimp in his own tank...even tho i never clean it or anything. and i thought i was being an ass by not letting him be in the bigger tank with other fish...but surprisingly i did the right thing. i think this is a real life form of pathetic fallacy isnt it...*sigh*...i hate drama. but mr pimp is fine...which makes me really happy. as well, today i ate pho...something i have never done in my life. and i got coffee milk tea...i dont know why...i couldnt finish it and had to put it into a little plastic cup.

i miss you


i miss you, i seriously do. the fact that its taking me so much restraint not to message you is not because i dont want to talk to you...if anything, i really want that to happen, but i know that you can tell that someone really doesnt want to talk to you if they message you first. if you ever cared for me even a bit, i dont know why you would just continue your life as if nothing ever happened and ignore my feelings like that. why would you let me suffer like this?


today during lunch, i tried to talk to you....i wanted you to hang out with me but you wouldnt. as you were putting your stuff into the locker, i realized that you didnt wear your ring anymore. i remember when we were still together, you kept asking me what i would do if we ever broke up, whether or not i would still wear the ring...and i said i would and if you didnt know why it was because i knew that id never stop caring about you. i even asked you the same question and you said that you wouldnt stop wearing it too...but why did you? despite everything that im doing for you, despite how desperately im trying to talk things out with you and make things better again, i dont understand why you would go and do something like that. as if i wasnt suffering enough already, now it hurts even more. i was trying to talk to you and you walked away. i cant believe you would do this to me...cutting off every form of contact with me....making all these excuses and lying...why are you doing all of this? it makes me sad you cant even tell me how you really feel...how you always say that you dont know...i dont get that...how can you not know your own feelings? why are you doing this to me...if you dont hate me...i dont underwstand why youre being so fake to me...why youre distancing yourself from me...why you act like such a stranger even though you know that id listen no matter what you had to say. how do you sleep at night knowing that you have to put that ring away. how can you sleep at night when you know that youre treating another human being like this...how do you not feel remorse for your actions? i seriously do love you....and i dont think that will ever change no matter what you do. how could you forget someone so easily...how can you not feel the least bit sad about this even tho im still crying about this?

*sigh*...(again)


[10:56pm] i still have no idea what to do. i've never been so lost in my life...unable to do anything...unable to be who i am because i have to carry this burden. i find it hard to even ACT normal...i find it hard to even walk down the hallway without fear of breaking down in tears. it really makes me think about the past and realize that all of the things i was so sad about wasnt worth it...not saying that it wasnt something worth being sad about...it wasnt as if losing one person was the end of my life. but i feel that this time, its very close to that. the thought that i cant even be angry about everything thats happened cuz i still dont give up yet.


i watched tv today, and i was seeing all these people on talk shows who have much bigger problems than i do...like people tease them cuz of how they look or whatever...and then i consider myself really pathetic because these people have been like this their whole life...or its something that theyll have to deal with for the rest of their life. but i dont have to be this way. i can move on, meet other people....i dont have to be this way forever. but why does this hurt much more than i ever expected. its because of the insecurity....not so much the loneliness...but the feeling of failure...having the world as you knew it crash and burn right before your eyes. most people will live an incomplete life...theyll never meet that one person that suddenly made life make sense to them...theyll never meet that one person that makes you see past lifes imperfections and be satisfied with what you have. but i thought i already found that person...someone who was perfect in my eyes...someone that i shared my secrets with....confided in...because i knew that no matter how many people i lost in my life, i wouldnt mind because at least i had that one person who was worth more to me than any of them. maybe one day in my life i would realize that all of this was meant to happen and that i'd meet someone much better or something like that. but if it was really meant to happen this way, id think that fate was really cruel...to make me lose all the people i ever cared about. but to be honest...i never considered even for a second that maybe you werent the one...i always thought you were.


i did write notes...notes about how i really felt...but i think they should just be unsent...because you wont read them anyways, you wont care...and its just garbage to you even though every word of it is true. the fact that i dont hate you, even after all youve done is baffling. it would make sense to me if you did all this to someone who you didnt think felt the same way as you did...cuz even then, you know that they deserve it and that youre better off without them. but how can you kick someone out of your life if you know that they genuinely care about you...and that they would do all of this just for you. how could you destroy what we have, being so confident that in the future, someone better will come along...cuz i dont think that will happen at all.

*sigh*...(again)


[9:42pm] today would've been 1 year and 1 week. people keep telling me to stop talking about the past...but im sorry...it wasnt something i wanted to end in the first place. i remember last year, we went to the mall on this day and we were celebrating our first week together. i don't get how you can sleep every night knowing how much you hurt me. how can you NOT have a guilty conscience knowing that what today is and not doing anything about it. i honestly would not mind but things went back to normal...what i mean is...this wouldnt be so heartbreaking if i knew that we still talked and everything. if i knew that you were just as sad as i am and that you wanted us to remain really close friends even though were not together anymore. but that is not the case at all. you act like i cheated on you or something...or did something equally as bad to make you hate me so much. but i never did anything that bad to deserve the horrible things that you did. and even so, how can you not feel any remorse for the things that you do. you dont even make an attempt to make sure that im ok. stay friends eh...thats such bullshit. youre doing the very things that you told me not to do to you. you said that you still wanted to talk to me still..but do you message me even? no you dont. do you ever wonder where i get the impression that you dont want to talk to me...its because you can be online for hours and hours but you would never message me. you wouldnt care. remember how you said that even if we break up, we would still be best friends. you cant say things like that and then later deem them "the past".


im nothing to you. no matter how depessed i was two years ago, it doesn't even compare to how i feel right now. to suddenly have to live life without the person you love the most...with no chance of things ever getting better...do you even have any idea how much that hurts? its traumatic enough that we broke up...and i admit, i still have not given up yet...but the thought that im forced to suddenly forget you...to suddenly ignore everything thats ever happened between us and move on without you...i dont know if ANYONE would be ok after that.


i may still be sad about what happened...and i know that ill be that way for a long time...but what happened today made me realize that no matter how i feel...i cant ever admit that to you. and if you really want your personal space...then ill leave you alone. ill stop trying...for now. ill stop leaving english class to come visit you...ill stop waiting for you. perhaps one day youll answer me...but until that day comes...ill just leave you alone.

*sigh*...


[2:34AM] its been nearly a year since i updated...and i suppose i should update my blog some more from now on. i think ive given up on xanga already...maybe i'll go back there someday but not likely. i only made xanga for one person and that person doesnt care anymore so whats the point.

so anyways this morning my mom woke me up at 12 and we were supposed to go yum cha but then it was too late and since it was a weekday AND a holiday, it was just as expensive as always. so then we went to fairview mall and my brother and i ate mcDs...AGAIN. we have to use those coupons by april 23st lol. so anyways, there was a long line but my brother still let this little kid go in front of him. the kid was like saying that the people messed up his burger...and they were like asking him where the burger is, but then he said he threw it away and eventually he admitted that this was just a prank and he wanted a free burger. lol so anyways, i ate a quarter pounder and my brother ate a mcchicken. then after....man i was so full. but we walked around some more. i want to look for a white hoodie somewhere...but i couldnt find one. but everywhere i went, i set off the security...dunno why though. its probably my ring. so then we walked around some more and there was nothing to buy and so eventually we left. next we went to STC...and we walked around there. i was at coles reading a magazine. mann i hate it when people look at me weird when i read a magazine in a store...everyone does it...and some people take even longer than i do. i dun even read everything either...i just flip through and read the stuff that catches my attention. anyways...i got my brothers cell phone and i called someone...but no one picked up. oh well. i just wanted to say hi anyways. anyways...so we walked around some more and eventually we went to wal-mart to get easter chocolates. hahaha there was barely anything left...but we got some stuff. we also got some stuffed animals. i got a duck and a cow and my brother got a bunny that he wanted to give to summer. anyways...as we were leaving wal-mart, the thing started beeping again and we had to go back and he made us walk through it again. the hell man...i wasnt even carrying a bag and my jacket is not big enough to hold anything. next time im going to steal something. anyways -____- then we went home and i was resting for a while.


later, my brother and i went to go play basketball at jrps and then we went home soon after because it was too sunny. i watched tv for a while...it was listed 20 best solo successes and then some of abcs of rock. then we went out. my brother picked up summer and then we went to this vietnamese restaurant where my brother and summer ate pho while i ate chicken wings. haha i tried some of my brothers noodles tho...it was pretty good...but i know that even i cant finish that myself so i didnt get that. but it was pretty good. i never liked pho that much but then i dun mind eating it. so then after that we realized that we forgot to return the movies so we had to rush home and get it and at the same time get the bunny too. haha summer liked the bunny alot...she kept poking my brother with it while he was driving. then we went to dave and busters and i was scared that they were going to check ID but i guess not.


we played some coin games first...not very successful -____-...my brother took too long to decide what to play and some people got to the machine before us. then we played that wheel game...i got ONE before 1000 oh my goodness. so then we played this game where u align the thing and ur trying to push a button...VERY hard that game. so then we played more and more games and in the end we played alot of basketball. i was too tired tho. its hard >___<. hahaha and summer also played donkey kong...that was funny. it looks like a hard game. then we went home. before we left though, we played this fortune telling machine and that was pretty cool. it gave us a card -____-.

after that we went home and i just rested for a while and then watched some TV with my brother.


*sigh*...i dun think ill ever be ok...it hurts when anything and everything reminds you of one person...and no matter how much you tell them how much you still love them and how much you dont want things to change, they wont listen to you. to be forced to suddenly forget about the most important person in your life is something that most people cannot do. but its something that i have to do. i cant depend on you anymore...i cant even expect you to care...cuz you wont listen to what i have to say anyways. there is no one in this world that can be nicer to you than i can be...but if you choose to ignore me like that...if you choose to completely kick me out of your life like that...then i have no choice but to move on. if you think your other friends are so much better than i am and that they are more worth your time than i am...then you stick by your decision. but i wont be there when something happens...i wont be there anymore to ask you whats wrong when other people dun care. *sigh*...u wanted it to be this way. ill leave.

3 MONTHS!!!


[7:47pm] i haven't archived in nearly a year -____- i really need to update more. anyways, not much is going on lately. just same ol' same ol'. been watching alot of shows lately^^. i haven't had much time all year because of school and all so im gonna watch all the shows i have. the summer dramas are out^^...but i haven't even finished watching the spring ones -____-. anyways today is three months three months^^ what a happy occasion. 1/4 of a year^^...alot has happened in these few months...i can't even remember them all...but i know that there is nothing i regret and nothing i would've rather done these three months^^. blah...^^...we'll be together forever, i just know it.

anywayss...um....i finished watching [suekko chonan ane sannin]. i didn't like it that much because i didn't like the thought of junichi playing such a useless husband. but its a good story though^^ all of the sisters have distinct personalities and junichi's personality is the most uninteresting. its a good story though^^...hmmm what else? blah i'll finish later \ listening to: k - over

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